12/3/24

LISTENING TO: Own Stage (Dotsuitare Hompo)

SONG OF THE DAY: ROAD TO FUTURE (Fukuro)

FEELING:

again, i'm not doing great... it's not that every day is a bad day, but i only seem to code or journal when i'm doing bad. i feel like i just can't connect with people. everyone's nice to me, but all of my interactions with others are superficial. i've never been able to handle being vulnerable with others in a way that matters. and i'm too flimsy to consistently hang out with people... i'm always "too tired" or "too busy" to hang out. it feels like it puts an actual mental strain on me to be around others more often than not... i don't understand why i can't just get along with people normally lol

8/28/24

LISTENING TO: Turkey Tom video essay

SONG OF THE DAY: Fine, Great (Modern Baseball)

FEELING:

i'm feeling better now. i think i had a genuine mental health emergency a few days ago and needed to take a serious breather... i contacted a therapist so hopefully that'll go through smoothly lol. classes have started and i'm having kind of a difficult time getting used to being productive again. i've also started working out more frequently with the hopes that i can get some of this tension out of my system.

8/20/24

LISTENING TO: Walking on snow (Snail's house)

SONG OF THE DAY: Narcissistic Jazz (Mystic Messenger)

FEELING:

i've been doing really horrible this past month- i don't know why. i feel worse mentally than i have over the entire fire recovery process. after moving in to my new apartment, i've been triggered by every little sound made.... around me, from upstairs, etc.... i have this horrible gut feeling that the building will collapse for some reason.. though i'm sure that's the trauma brain talking. my eye and hands twitch constantly these days and i can hardly sleep. i feel like a burden when i talk to my friends / loved ones about this and my shitty insurance makes getting a therapist really hard lmao. i feel like this is all bordering on paranoia... i genuinely don't know where else to talk about this... so sorry, neocities blog... :,)

i can't describe it.... i'm an atheist (?), but it feels like ever since the fire, since i survived, there has been this force coming after me, like i was supposed to die then and my repayment would be to die now... i'm not suicidal anymore (?) but i feel like death is almost coming after me in a way. i'm not trying to sound dark on purpose.... that's just how it feels.

7/31/24

LISTENING TO: Jarvis Johnson's livestream VOD

SONG OF THE DAY: Drunk-Dazed (ENHYPEN)

FEELING:

im having a bad trauma day today and it's hard to be productive... i want to try to code so i can both relax and do something that keeps my mind off things. the one-year anniversary of the fire is coming soon and i have a concert to go to around the same time.. part of me feels like i can't go, but i know that it'd be better than just laying around the apartment and mourning all day.. i don't know.

7/28/24

LISTENING TO: Colors (Crossing Rain)

SONG OF THE DAY: BLACK HOLE HEART (Crossing Rain)

FEELING:

HI GUYS!!! long time no see! i am alive and doing well! i took a long break from neocities to focus on getting through my real life. the fire was devastating and lifechanging. i have unfortunately lost.. quite literally everything. not a single thing in that town was safe from it. meaning.. not a single part of my childhood was left untouched.

...but i still had to graduate high school!!! this year, while i 3was away from neocities, i finished both my senior year in high school and my freshman year in college at the same time. i am quite literally unstoppable lol. no fire can take me down.

i have less than two weeks until i move out of my current temporary housing into my new apartment for university... and i am honestly nervous lol

i'm doing better now, though, i put in a lot of effort this year and i'm in a much better place mentally than i have been in a very long time. it's entirely possible to heal. i learned that.

9/11/23

LISTENING TO: Rotten Mango Podcast #294

SONG OF THE DAY: Heart to Heart (Mac DeMarco)

FEELING:

"i dont know what will happen with this site. im focusing on surviving at the moment... i want to start coding again, but that may not be for a long time." that is what I said, lol.....

i am currently in a stable home for the next year, it's an apartment, and smaller than I could ever be used to, but it's home for now!!!..... I have a computer now too. I've removed the gofundme link from this site, because I think that I've gotten more help than I can accept..... I was given so many kind words, and i honestly cannot really vocalize how truly grateful I am for everyone. I lost my job, and honestly every other hobby i have is kind of on the backburner..... so i want to get back into coding. Maybe an overhaul of my site. I need somewhere to write about how I feel, and the feelings that come with this kind of trauma. hopefully I'll be more active from now on...

8/14/23

LISTENING TO: Controlla (Idealism)

SONG OF THE DAY: Lahaina Grown (Lahaina Grown)

FEELING:

hi guys... im not sure whats going to happen to this site.

on tuesday night, a fire started in my town. it burned through everything i have ever known. my childhood elementary school, my favorite hangout spots, my workplace, and eventually, my home. i wasnt able to bring much with me. right now im in a hotel room with just my laptop and a few posessions. i barely made it out alive. we had to drive on the wrong side of the road, swerving out of the way of oncoming traffic trying to outrun the flames.

i dont know what will happen with this site. im focusing on surviving at the moment... i want to start coding again, but that may not be for a long time.

thank you for all of the friends i have made on this site. please wait for me, i will be back eventually.

my family's gofundme, if you would like to help.

4/24/23

LISTENING TO: Demolition Lovers (My Chemical Romance)

SONG OF THE DAY: Early Sunsets Over Monroeville (My Chemical Romance)

FEELING:

ive been doing much better as of late!!! i think im getting better at managing the stress of my busy life.

ill be in new york for a month this coming summer. ill be able to spend time with my girlfriend in person when im done with the classes and stuff. life is looking up.

3/31/23

LISTENING TO: Rhapsody (Twoset Violin)

SONG OF THE DAY: The Flower Garden (Joe Hisashi)

FEELING:

i cant really tell if im better or worse than i was yesterday. ive been really anxious and busy these days. i miss just working on my little website all day.

3/30/23

LISTENING TO: My history teacher talking

SONG OF THE DAY: When The Sun Hits (Slowdive)

FEELING:

im in class right now. i take the bus directly from school to work and my shift ends at night. im tired and i wonder if anyone reads my journal at all.

its hard to keep up with coding and i dont feel inspired anymore.

2/1/23

LISTENING TO: Hustle Bones (Death Grips)

SONG OF THE DAY: Millions (Gerard Way)

FEELING:

well... i said that id be more consistent with my journal and i guess i lied. LOL. anyways, school has been thoroughly kicking my ass.... but im okay with it. i think im doing pretty well for myself as of late.

+ I GOT OTOBOKE BEAVER TICKETS FOR MARCH AAUAUUUUUGHHH IM SO HYPE

1/5/23

LISTENING TO: When The Sun Hits (Slowdive)

SONG OF THE DAY: Cherry Waves (Deftones)

FEELING:

ive been coding a lot more often, i forgot how good it feels to just code and write on my own little corner. its way less stressful than social media. anyways, i have my new semester classes!!! i really like them. im much more inclined to more rigid classes like government science than i am to art classes. as much as i like art, its easy for me to fall behind on creative assignments... BUT NOW IM IN MY ELEMENT!!!! i feel really good about this semester.

im writing this in class while eating a microwave tonkatsu bowl that is so hot that it makes my nose run

1/3/23

LISTENING TO: Very Really Good Episode 199

SONG OF THE DAY: Prelude (TwoSet Violin)

FEELING:

hey guys! long time no code. ive been really busy with school and my job and stuff. i have a new laptop, so im still getting used to using it. ive never used a macbook before... eugh.

anyways, i hope to code more often now that i have this... but second semester starts tomorrow, so maybe ill disappear again for a few months. who knows!

7/25/22

LISTENING TO: their aspirations (durarara ost)

SONG OF THE DAY: Wrap&Rap (hypmic)

FEELING:

left neocities for a month (or two?) and came back with a new job and a semesters worth of college credits. i also cleaned my room a bit this evening. its not much, but its better.

5/30/22

LISTENING TO: danny gonzalez

SONG OF THE DAY: piplup step

FEELING:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO KANTO AND GARF!!! i wanted to make cookies, but there were no chocolate chips.

5/28/22

LISTENING TO: shinigamikai B (death note OST)

SONG OF THE DAY: Lonesome Practicalism (Mystic Messenger OST)

FEELING:

this month was shitty to say the least. its not what i want to focus on;. im done with school fotr this year! i have about a month to myself before i have to go out of state, and ive been trying to spend as much of that time as possible with dove . its been really nice. weve started a randomized run of pokemon soulsilver; it started off slow, but we're having a lot of fun now. we also attempted to start an alpha sapphire randomized nuzlocke. it is not going half as well. regardless, im spending time with her. thats all that matters to me. she always takes extra care to indulge in my interests with me. it makes me feel really loved. ...and its honestly partially why i stopped coming here as much. i made this site to talk about my interests in a space where i know at the very least, i wont be judged. and its nice, but talking to someone i love face to face who is actively excited to hear what i have to say is honestly a little better. This isnt me saying ill abandon this site, though. because i actually do want to put more work into it now that i have so much more free time. i just havent had much motivation to code.

ive been getting out a bit more often at the very least. im an officer in the japanese club now. next year if covid restrictions arent as strong, well be participating in a lot more community and charity events. i feel happy to actually be a part of something. ..and were saving up for our trip to japan next may.

4/17/22

LISTENING TO: destroyed by hippie powers (car seat headrest)

SONG OF THE DAY: destroyed by hippie powers (car seat headrest)

FEELING:

I CAUGHT A FUCKING SHINY LUXRAY LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!

i also got my first tattoo this weekend! its a knife in the middle of my chest; i hand poked it myself, and it really did not hurt at all. im working on thorns on my ribs but those ones are a little painful/hard to do so i didnt do them all in one go. im planning on getting my lip and septum pierced later in the week; in celebration of the end of the school year. (since i got my nose pierced in the beginning.

tattoos and lip piercings and talking to dove about hourly pay... makes me feel grossly old. i still feel like a little kid most of the time.

3/20/22

LISTENING TO: very really good episode 181

SONG OF THE DAY: Justice Blooming Out of Season (Durarara OST)

FEELING:

the month feels like its gone by insanely quick. the only time ive ever really accounted for the dates were in the beginning of the month, when dove woke me up in the morning exclaiming "happy pi day!" and now. ive just cleared my toom of all of its dishes and i felt pathetic doing so. i only really left my bed for a significant amount of time once this week, and it was only to go on a walk alone through town. theres an ice cream shop within comfortable walking distance of my house thats hiring, and im really considering applying. i need to get a job, but ill be in los angeles for an acting thing for 3 weeks this summer, so it wouldnt be worth getting a job only to quit so quickly, or, at the very least request so much off time as a brand new employee. whaaatever.

3/17/22

LISTENING TO: dove typing

SONG OF THE DAY: あゝオオサカdreamin'night (どついたれ本舗)

FEELING:

as of now im midway through spring break and not really looking to go back to school. i spent some time with the japanese club last weekend and dont hate being around a group of people for .. once;. i liked it, i really do have a hard time socializing or being comfortable around other people, so it was really nice to have an experience where i wasnt feeling so uncomfortable.. however, that does not mean i am ready to face going back to school. i can hardly make it through the day when im not on break. just one quarter left....

in other news, ive been able to spend a lot more time with dove since ive been on break.

being with her makes me happy.

i love her.

2/23/22

LISTENING TO: a random danny gonzales video

SONG OF THE DAY: Love on the Line (Her's)

FEELING:

this week has been alright so far, ive been doing a lot better mentally than i have in the past... 3 months..? i really am happy. ive fallen into a routine that is predictable and comfortable... my only complaint is that i wish it was the weekend already!

on weekends, when dove hears me wake up she immediately goes and kisses me all over my face .. and says sweet things .. and usually i fall back asleep ... but i feel like im glowing for the rest of the day.. i miss spending the weekend in bed with her. though i guess the 5-day week of obligations makes it all the more worth it when i can finally rest with her?

2/16/22

LISTENING TO: The First Punch (Pierce the Veil)

SONG OF THE DAY: Call This # Now (The Garden), The First Punch (Pierce the Veil)

FEELING:

my last entry was a little too personal for me so i deleted it. thinking about dove right now.. as i always am.. i need to update my other neocities project soon... also i started rewatching durarara last night while i was cleaning... and i giggled and ran to my screen to pay extra attention when i heard shizuos voice....! ♡ listen to the first punch by pierce the veil btw.

1/28/22

LISTENING TO: N/A

SONG OF THE DAY: A Match Into Water (Pierce The Veil)

FEELING:

sorry for infrequent updates as of late.. i didnt have an excuse before, but i do now that pokemon legends is out. ciao

1/21/22

LISTENING TO: Burnout (Green Day)

SONG OF THE DAY: Here We Are (toby fox), Welcome To Paradise (Green Day)

FEELING:

eventful day today! i skipped out on school to go on a boat and watch the baby whales (they come around here with their moms during mating season), and i started pre-procedure notes on my frog dissection project for this weekend., AND i finally set up my new computer.... hopefully site updates can be more frequent now that i have a reliable machine to work with. the only issue is that all of my files are gone. fml. glad to be back at least

1/7/22

LISTENING TO: dove making live commentary as she draws

SONG OF THE DAY: deadlines (hostile) (car seat headrest)..technically more of the song of the past 2 days, but its stuck in my head now too.

FEELING:

i got my booster vaccine yesterday. ...and the adverse effects have really gotten to me today. i feel awful. i wont waste this space complaining about my symptoms because the most impostant part about this is that my girlfriend. dove is right here next to me, listening to me camplain and groan and etc. i fell asleep for a few hours in the middle of the day and when i woke up she was still here. i could go back to sleep now and know that shell be here when i wake up. i feel so loved and taken care of. i am so grateful for her all the time.

...i also woke up this morning to this text from her.

i am so in love

1/3/22

LISTENING TO: Cerulean City (pokemon red/blue/yellow)

SONG OF THE DAY: sans. (toby fox), Here We Are (toby fox)

FEELING:

i would like to preface this by saying that after finishing my ORIGINAL version of this entry, this laptop crashed and did not save what i had written, because APPARENTLY it cant handle FOUR TABS OPEN ON FUCKING GOOGLE CHROME. not to mention, the keyboard sticks and it causes me to go back and fix every. sentence. i. TYPE. REGARDLESS, my computer of 5 years finally broke on me recently, leaving me with my old (NON-RELIABLE) laptop. my new computer is scheduled to come in on Jan. 20., leaving me with this piece of garbage for the time being. hence the much less frequent updates... i spent a vast majority of my time off in bed with my girlfriend. ive finally convinced her to listen to welcome to nightvale with me, which has been one of- if not The Most influential pieces of media that ive consumed. (take that as you will!) and she really likes it! i really am so happy to have spent all this time with her. and unfortunately my break ends tomorrow morning. (or.. in 6 hours.) and i am admittedly... kind of upset about it. time well spent, though. i couldnt ask for a better girlfriend.

12/23/21 (2 days until christmas)

LISTENING TO: kurtis conner

SONG OF THE DAY: bittersweet darling (smewthie)

FEELING:

EATING: bag of chewy airheads bites

i went shopping today!!! i also watched a little bit of one of my favorite movies with dove . good day!

12/20/21 (5 days until christmas)

LISTENING TO: the entire phoenix wright ace attorney soundtrack

SONG OF THE DAY: Reminiscing ~ The DL 6 Incident (Ace Attorney)

FEELING:

i had a pretty decent day today. i started playing the great ace attorney on my switch and i remembered how much i missed the original

its also a week until the anniversary of the DL-6 incident so i may replay turnabout goodbyes just for the occasion. OH! im also starting to study for my learners permit test (...finally. ive been putting it off for a little over a year.) but my video game endeavors are more important. clearly i have my priorities set straight.

12/19/21

LISTENING TO: Stupid For You (Waterparks)

SONG OF THE DAY: There Must Be More Than Blood (Car Seat Headrest)

FEELING:

lets pretend the last couple days never happened. im thinking about dove again. (when am i not?)... im still trying to configure the page about her but i dont know what to put on there. im thinking about the circumstances we met under again. she made a stupid joke that i thought was funny almost 2 years ago and i crushed on her for months before i basically confessed via written letter. i love being in love... making me feel so incredibly human

12/14/21

LISTENING TO: Welcome To Nightvale Episode 167

SONG OF THE DAY: Hollywood (Car Seat Headrest)

EATING: redbull, and jellybeans (trying to avoid the rootbeer flavor...)

FEELING:

i had a really amazing day today!!! it was dove s birthday and we had taco bell together. we intended to watch a little bit more of death note, but we got caught up in talking. we both got cheesy gordita crunch boxes. we both drank straight from the sauce packets. we both talked about how much we loved eachother. im making a little page dedicated to her right now. im really really really in love...

12/13/21

LISTENING TO: Joe Goes to School (Car Seat Headrest)

SONG OF THE DAY: Deadlines Hostile (Car Seat Headrest), 1937 State Park (Car Seat Headrest), Not What I Needed (Car Seat Headrest)

FEELING: well i listened to car seat headrest all day

wondering if i should keep a photo diary alongside this. maybe i will. dove s birthday is tomorrow! (or in 27 minutes if youre a nerd.)

i have more to say but...........

12/12/21

LISTENING TO: dove talking.. shoutout to garf on neocities!

SONG OF THE DAY: Bodys (Car Seat Headrest), My Boy - Twin Fantasy (Car Seat Headrest)

FEELING:

if im being completely honest, it isnt often at all that i can say for certainty that i have had a good day, (or that i have left my house by choice.. fml) but today i did both!!!! i had a really good day! i went to comic con in cosplay and bought a bunch of figures!!!

talking to my girlfriend now... a good end to a good day. im sleepy.

LOOK AT MY FUCKING AWESOME NEW YAMCHA FIGURE!!!

12/11/21

LISTENING TO: Friday Im In Love (The Cure)

SONG OF THE DAY: Misery Business (Paramore)

FEELING:

love and peace go hand in hand i think. the beginning of today was awful, but it got a lot better. the garfield plush i got for dove came in, im planning to send her some of my shirts and my favorite book soon... i am so in love FUCK MY LIFE!!!!

12/8/21

LISTENING TO: Hey Rich Boy (Millionaires)

SONG OF THE DAY: You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In Prison (My Chemical Romance)

FEELING:

i had a mediocre day but it doesnt matter now because im actively beating my best friend in imessage cup pong after he said hed kick my ass... feeling a little smug... snicker.

12/7/21

LISTENING TO: dove talking (about html)

(xe thinks my default scrollbars are bland)

SONG OF THE DAY: ASL (I Set My Friends On Fire)

FEELING:

MY EFFORTS TO SKIP SCHOOL TODAY HAVE PAID OFF! i had a nice day. i love listening to my girlfriend talk... i still need to make my cheesy gf page but im shy... whatever...

12/6/21

LISTENING TO: Headfirst for Halos (My Chemical Romance)

SONG OF THE DAY: Headfirst for Halos (My Chemical Roamnce), Feeling This (Blink 182), I Move It (Millionaires)

DRINKING: warm redbull

FEELING:

hoping for more bad weather so school can be cancelled again. if not, ill fight for my LIFE trying to skip. its not out of laziness this time though. i have better things to attend to at home this time.

im writing this maybe an hour later, but ive been thinking about making a rant page about how awesome my girlfriend is. cheesy, i KNOW! but whatever. im willing to be an annoying wifeguy (girl?) online for her. i just have to figure out how to format it....

btw if you see this hi dove

12/5/21

LISTENING TO: the wind and rain hitting my roof, bandori menu music

SONG OF THE DAY: !NVADE SHOW (Raise A Suilen)

FEELING:

school has been cancelled tomorrow due to weather... trying to complete the "welcome to the shrine" event goals for bandori. so far i have 44/50 goals complete. i i had a really good day, but these bandori challenges are starting to frustrate me more than a little bit,

12/3/21

LISTENING TO: Bitter Sweet Darling - Tokyo Mew Mew - Ichigo Ver. (Smewthie)

SONG OF THE DAY: "The Take Over, The Breaks Over" (Fall Out Boy)

FEELING:

ANOTHER DAY OF SHOWING MY GF DEATH NOTE!!! THIS IS THE MOST EXCITED IVE BEEN ABOUT ANYTHING IN A LONG TIME!!!

11/30/21

LISTENING TO: nightmare expo

SONG OF THE DAY: But The NUNS Are Watching (I Set My Friends On Fire), Just Got Paid, Lets Get Laid (Millionaires)

FEELING:

11/29/21

LISTENING TO: Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner (Fall Out Boy)

SONG OF THE DAY: Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner (Fall Out Boy)

FEELING:

having thoughts a little too sentimental to share.. + the rain is making it a little hard to walk

11/25/21

LISTENING TO: Very Really Good Episode #169 (i did not get to finish it after last nights incident.)

SONG OF THE DAY: New Partner (Palace Music), When The Day Met The Night (Panic! at The Disco)

FEELING:

i love very really good but kurtis conner is seriously kind of an annoying asshole. i need to pause this for a minute to get my thoughts in order;

i had a lovely thanksgiving. every year has been filled with the same tumultuous high paced rush of family and their friends talking, watching football, etc. and usually im all caught up in the middle of it. not this year, though. i spent my whole day with someone i love. i am so happy.

my hand is healing nicely by the way

11/24/21

LISTENING TO: Very Really Good Episode #169

SONG OF THE DAY: Romance (My Chemical Romance)

FEELING:

i didnt have it in me to go to school today but im giving myself a gold star today anyways. eatiing pizza and drinking redbull. i am now cutting this section of my journal short because i accidnetally stabbed my hand with scissors goodnight

11/22/21 (night)

LISTENING TO: Skylines & Turnstiles (My Chemical Romance)

SONGS OF THE DAY: Give Em Hell, Kid Live on MTV2 2$Bill (My Chemical Romance)

FEELING: THE PAIN!!!!!

I GOT TICKETS TO SEE MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE LIVE ON 10/14/22!!!

MY WHOLE BODY IS SO ACHY.... being hunched over a computer is not helping. maybe i will go to bed.

11/22/21

LISTENING TO: Powerful Busu (Otoboke Beaver) muffling the sounds of my classmates talking, coughing, and clicking pens.

SONGS OF THE DAY: Give Em Hell, Kid Live on MTV2 2$Bill (My Chemical Romance)

FEELING:

thinking about cultural identity stuff again. i always think about this stuff. i have some thoughts that i cant put into words really. maybe ill end up making a section for my time in japan while im thinking about it, but probably not. if i do, itll be linked from my journal and not my homepage, since its more personl than just figure collecting and anime opinions. but for the moment ill just focus on not punching my classmate in the mouth.

四面楚歌

11/21/21

LISTENING TO: dove talking about HTML

SONGS OF THE DAY: Oceans (Frank Iero), Going Away to College (Blink-182)

FEELING:

i woke up early for school today... it is sunday. MY NEW JACKET CAME IN TODAY! i didnt know packages could be delivered on sundays.

11/20/21

LISTENING TO: N/A

SONGS OF THE DAY: Demolition Lovers (My Chemical Romance), The Pros & Cons of Breathing (Fall Out Boy), The Balcony Scene (Pierce the Veil)

FEELING:

i give myself a gold star today

11/18/21

LISTENING TO: N/A

SONGS OF THE DAY: Im Not Okay (My Chemical Romance)

FEELING: bullets (the mcr album)

i cleaned my room yesterday

11/15/21

LISTENING TO: N/A

SONGS OF THE DAY: Im Not Okay (My Chemical Romance), Boss Bitch (Millionaires), American Idiot (Green Day)

FEELING:

i did not have the energy to go to school or clean my room today. that is okay. i had a very good day.

11/13/21

LISTENING TO: N/A

SONGS OF THE DAY: Party Poison (My Chemical Romance), Prom Dress (Millionaires)

FEELING:

there is more love in me than i thought. enough to share.

10/2/21

LISTENING TO: N/A

SONGS OF THE DAY: Girlfriend (Avril Lavigne)

FEELING:

watched the legend of darkrai with dove !!! favorite movie of all time btw

9/20/21

LISTENING TO: N/A

SONGS OF THE DAY: American Beauty/American Psycho (Fall out boy), Kiss The Ring (My Chemical Romance)

FEELING:

went on a several page rant about death note to dove

9/11/21

LISTENING TO: N/A

SONGS OF THE DAY: Primadonna (Marina)

FEELING:

9/9/21

LISTENING TO: N/A

SONGS OF THE DAY: Cubicles (My Chemical Romance)

FEELING: interesting...

today was kind of a beautiful day / anniversary in 1 day!!!

9/8/21

LISTENING TO: N/A

SONGS OF THE DAY: DEATHCAMP (Tyler the Creator), Crazy Food (Joe Hawley), Dance, Dance (Fall Out Boy)

FEELING:

anniversary in 2 days!!!